Meth-behavin'

It's been eleven and a half months since Breaking Bad, my official pick for the best show currently running show on television, aired its last episode.  Today, AMC finally released both the season four premiere date (Sunday, July 17th at 10pm) and a foreboding but vague teaser trailer (above).  When we last left America's favorite meth-making duo, Walt (Bryan Cranston) was at the barrel-end of a gun (wielded by Gus henchman Mike) while Jesse (Aaron Paul) was at the trigger-end, aiming at Walt's inept new sidekick Gale (David Costabile).  The trailer is light on details (and heavy on grim piano music) but I can't wait to see where Vince Gilligan takes us this year.

Mask Hysteria

The Bachelorette, Episode 1

The Bachelorette is back!  It’s time for another season of outlandish group dates involving C-list singers (paging Seal and Natasha Beddingfield!) and sipping champagne while riding in helicopters over communities of starving third-world children!  This is the twenty-second installment of the franchise (fifteen seasons of The Bachelor, seven of The Bachelorette) and, just to recapitulate, let’s do a little math.  If we calculate the percentage of bachelor(ette)s that actually ended up marrying the person they selected at the end of their season, that percentage is an encouraging 4.8%!  Yes, you read that correctly.  Now I think it’s fair to officially declare anything with a 4.8% success rate as “not working” but that didn’t stop Brad Womack castoff and dental-student-who-still-sometimes-refers-to-herself-as-a-dentist Ashley from signing up to be the next person to find love (and by love I mean a three-week relationship and an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live). 

The first bachelor we met in the endless limousine exodus segment was Ryan P. (oh, how I love when they have to be awkwardly referred to with their last initial!), a solar energy executive from California (“Ooh, look at me!  I’m helping the earth!” Hippie.).  I already can’t stand this guy specifically for this comment: “The only thing stronger than the sun is love.”  Then, he held up his hands in front of the sun to form the shape of a heart.  I know this was probably the half-joking suggestion of the bored PA who got assigned the not-easy task of making this guy seem interesting, but the fact that Ryan P. actually did it is unfortunate.  Construction manager J.P. seems nice (despite my disdain for people who insist on going by abbreviations—what are you hiding?) but looks like Jason Statham with HIV.  Ames, an NYC portfolio manager (read: caused the 2008 financial meltdown; enjoy that staycation, America!), boasted that he attended Yale, got two masters degrees at Columbia, and then went to Harvard for his doctorate.  Too bad all the Ivy League schooling in the world can’t change the fact that his name is still Ames.  Then, if we didn’t hate him enough already, he claimed he has run thirty-nine marathons and even a few “ultra marathons” which apparently are “twenty-eight hours of nonstop running.”  So he’s a liar too.  Ben C., a Francophone lawyer, claimed “New Orleans is a party town.  I’ve had a lot of interesting experiences.”  (Read: “I once caught the clap from a stripper on a Mardi Gras float.”)  Then, he won tonight’s Dumbest Quote Award with, “On a scale of 1 to 10 regarding how romantic I am, I would put myself at a 15, probably a 215.”  We’ve also got Dax Shepard-lookalike Ben F., a winemaker, who tried for the Token Guy with a Sad Past role until it was stolen by widower West (sorry Ben, but an epileptic wife beats a dead dad any day).  Anthony, a butcher, was named Token Ethnic Guy when his segment was heralded by accordion music (just like how Bachelor editors always played the soundtrack to My Big Fat Greek Wedding whenever Deanna Pappas walked on camera!).  Jon, an e-commerce executive, gave off serious serial killer vibes.  All that time alone in front of the computer is no good; I’m betting a quick survey of his Google search history would turn up a few items like “chloroform,” “flunitrazepam,” and “how long does it take for bones to dissolve in acid.”  He playfully threw Ashley over his shoulder—I’m betting that’s not the first time he has thrown a girl over his shoulder but probably the first time said girl wasn’t roofied.  Lucas, an oil field equipment distributor is our Token Southerner and opened with, “Good grief, you’re gorgeous.”  Seriously?  Thank you, Charlie Brown.  We also had Tim, a creepy liquor distributor, and Stephen, a hairstylist and part-time Jason Schwartzman impersonator who pointed out that she had just dyed her hair (never a good sign).  Ryan M. claimed his job was a “construction estimator.”  Is “estimator” a legitimate job title now?  “I’m really tired, dear.  I just had a really hard day at work estimating things.” Sign me up for that!  The immediate stand-out was, of course, entrepreneur (and vague job title enthusiast) Jeff who emerged from the limo in a face mask looking like he was on his way to a Republican senator’s orgy.  He claimed he was making a point (something about inner beauty or body image or… you know what?  I’m bored already) but I suspect a Quasimodo-esque facial disfigurement.  During her earlier sit-down with Chris (“Are you ready for this journey to begin?”—he’s always asking the hard-hitting questions), Ashley said she was already gunning for Bentley sight unseen because a friend of a friend of a friend of his ex-wife told her that he is not, in our all-time favorite Bachelor quote, “here for the right reasons.”

The first cocktail party got underway when Ryan P. made a bold move and cornered her to talk about… wait for it… solar energy! Despite the topic of conversation being verbal Ambien, it eventually earned him the First Impression Rose.  Ten seconds after sitting down with Ashley, office supply salesman Matt pulled out his cell phone and called his Mom; she told them both to use protection when they had sex in their fantasy suite dates!  (Norman Bates alert!  Someone call the cops back in Boston: Matt’s mom will probably already be stuffed by the time this airs.)  Meanwhile, during all this “romance,” Jeff just lurked in the corner with his mask on! He even got his own Phantom of the Opera organ music!  Is Tim developmentally handicapped, we all wondered?  Nope, he’s just blasted!  This entire event was a little suspect: how is it that the cameras didn’t capture a single shot of him drinking and how drunk can a grown man possibly get off of champagne after only a few hours?!  After an extended sequence in which he snored so comically loud you just know they added it in post, Ashley escorted him off the show.  Hopefully, he’ll sober up in time for the Men Tell All special.

Chris Harrison alert!  You know what that means.  (Yes, gets paid $100,000 every time he clinks a champagne glass with a spoon and says, “It’s time for the Rose Ceremony.”)  Of course, this wouldn’t be The Bachelorette if our star didn’t love her some crazies, meaning she gave Jeff the Masked Freak the first rose!  Because she’s just not 100% sure that he’s batshit cray-cray—she wants to wait until she eliminates twenty other guys and introduces him to her family (and he stabs her third cousin) before she can officially declare him certifiable.  While we didn’t get a full-blown cryer after the first Rose Ceremony (or any “You don’t know me!”-screamers who pushed over a potted plant and stormed out), poor Anthony the beleaguered butcher said “I don’t know how to feel anymore.”  Keep this kid away from the meat slicers for a while, fellow deli staff!  Along with the unconscious Tim and the now-on-suicide-watch Anthony, Ashley the not-dentist also wisely sent packing Jon the serial killer and, in the “You were so freaking boring we didn’t even notice you” category, Chris M., Frank, Michael, and Rob.  The star of the “This Season On The Bachelorette” promo (you know, the one that gives away everything up until the final two) was Bentley.  He’s clearly aiming to be the Wes (read: asshole) of the season as he said directly to the camera that he felt the FIR should have be his “even though I’m not overly attracted to her.”  The promo showed Ashley wailing in despair after he said things like “I could care less about her” (making him the 345^th reality show contestant to use that phrase incorrectly) and “I wish the bachelorette this season was Emily.”  Paging Ricki-Tick!  Your new stepfather is here! 

So bring on the fleet of thirty-five helicopters this show has on retainer!  These kids are going to Thialand, Taiwan, Hong Kong, and Fiji.  Ashley will dramatically cry over the railings of balconies of swanky resorts in each locale. 

Most Ridiculous Names
Ames
Bentley
Cozy (Bentley's daughter's name.  No, I'm not making that up.)
West
Mickey
Constantine (I know this is a legitimate Greek name, but I shall heretofore refer to him as Connie rendering his name ridiculous.)

Number of times “the right reasons” was said: 4.  (Pretty light for a premiere, but we’ll keep tallying all season.  I guarantee we’ll break 50.)

Number of times “I’ll see you inside” was said: 38.  (This has got to be a record!)

(Special mention: “I’m a hugger” was said about 4,000 times.)

I will not be counting the times “amazing” and “Can I steal you for a second?” are said because I can't count that high.