Meth-behavin'

It's been eleven and a half months since Breaking Bad, my official pick for the best show currently running show on television, aired its last episode.  Today, AMC finally released both the season four premiere date (Sunday, July 17th at 10pm) and a foreboding but vague teaser trailer (above).  When we last left America's favorite meth-making duo, Walt (Bryan Cranston) was at the barrel-end of a gun (wielded by Gus henchman Mike) while Jesse (Aaron Paul) was at the trigger-end, aiming at Walt's inept new sidekick Gale (David Costabile).  The trailer is light on details (and heavy on grim piano music) but I can't wait to see where Vince Gilligan takes us this year.

Mask Hysteria

The Bachelorette, Episode 1

The Bachelorette is back!  It’s time for another season of outlandish group dates involving C-list singers (paging Seal and Natasha Beddingfield!) and sipping champagne while riding in helicopters over communities of starving third-world children!  This is the twenty-second installment of the franchise (fifteen seasons of The Bachelor, seven of The Bachelorette) and, just to recapitulate, let’s do a little math.  If we calculate the percentage of bachelor(ette)s that actually ended up marrying the person they selected at the end of their season, that percentage is an encouraging 4.8%!  Yes, you read that correctly.  Now I think it’s fair to officially declare anything with a 4.8% success rate as “not working” but that didn’t stop Brad Womack castoff and dental-student-who-still-sometimes-refers-to-herself-as-a-dentist Ashley from signing up to be the next person to find love (and by love I mean a three-week relationship and an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live). 

The first bachelor we met in the endless limousine exodus segment was Ryan P. (oh, how I love when they have to be awkwardly referred to with their last initial!), a solar energy executive from California (“Ooh, look at me!  I’m helping the earth!” Hippie.).  I already can’t stand this guy specifically for this comment: “The only thing stronger than the sun is love.”  Then, he held up his hands in front of the sun to form the shape of a heart.  I know this was probably the half-joking suggestion of the bored PA who got assigned the not-easy task of making this guy seem interesting, but the fact that Ryan P. actually did it is unfortunate.  Construction manager J.P. seems nice (despite my disdain for people who insist on going by abbreviations—what are you hiding?) but looks like Jason Statham with HIV.  Ames, an NYC portfolio manager (read: caused the 2008 financial meltdown; enjoy that staycation, America!), boasted that he attended Yale, got two masters degrees at Columbia, and then went to Harvard for his doctorate.  Too bad all the Ivy League schooling in the world can’t change the fact that his name is still Ames.  Then, if we didn’t hate him enough already, he claimed he has run thirty-nine marathons and even a few “ultra marathons” which apparently are “twenty-eight hours of nonstop running.”  So he’s a liar too.  Ben C., a Francophone lawyer, claimed “New Orleans is a party town.  I’ve had a lot of interesting experiences.”  (Read: “I once caught the clap from a stripper on a Mardi Gras float.”)  Then, he won tonight’s Dumbest Quote Award with, “On a scale of 1 to 10 regarding how romantic I am, I would put myself at a 15, probably a 215.”  We’ve also got Dax Shepard-lookalike Ben F., a winemaker, who tried for the Token Guy with a Sad Past role until it was stolen by widower West (sorry Ben, but an epileptic wife beats a dead dad any day).  Anthony, a butcher, was named Token Ethnic Guy when his segment was heralded by accordion music (just like how Bachelor editors always played the soundtrack to My Big Fat Greek Wedding whenever Deanna Pappas walked on camera!).  Jon, an e-commerce executive, gave off serious serial killer vibes.  All that time alone in front of the computer is no good; I’m betting a quick survey of his Google search history would turn up a few items like “chloroform,” “flunitrazepam,” and “how long does it take for bones to dissolve in acid.”  He playfully threw Ashley over his shoulder—I’m betting that’s not the first time he has thrown a girl over his shoulder but probably the first time said girl wasn’t roofied.  Lucas, an oil field equipment distributor is our Token Southerner and opened with, “Good grief, you’re gorgeous.”  Seriously?  Thank you, Charlie Brown.  We also had Tim, a creepy liquor distributor, and Stephen, a hairstylist and part-time Jason Schwartzman impersonator who pointed out that she had just dyed her hair (never a good sign).  Ryan M. claimed his job was a “construction estimator.”  Is “estimator” a legitimate job title now?  “I’m really tired, dear.  I just had a really hard day at work estimating things.” Sign me up for that!  The immediate stand-out was, of course, entrepreneur (and vague job title enthusiast) Jeff who emerged from the limo in a face mask looking like he was on his way to a Republican senator’s orgy.  He claimed he was making a point (something about inner beauty or body image or… you know what?  I’m bored already) but I suspect a Quasimodo-esque facial disfigurement.  During her earlier sit-down with Chris (“Are you ready for this journey to begin?”—he’s always asking the hard-hitting questions), Ashley said she was already gunning for Bentley sight unseen because a friend of a friend of a friend of his ex-wife told her that he is not, in our all-time favorite Bachelor quote, “here for the right reasons.”

The first cocktail party got underway when Ryan P. made a bold move and cornered her to talk about… wait for it… solar energy! Despite the topic of conversation being verbal Ambien, it eventually earned him the First Impression Rose.  Ten seconds after sitting down with Ashley, office supply salesman Matt pulled out his cell phone and called his Mom; she told them both to use protection when they had sex in their fantasy suite dates!  (Norman Bates alert!  Someone call the cops back in Boston: Matt’s mom will probably already be stuffed by the time this airs.)  Meanwhile, during all this “romance,” Jeff just lurked in the corner with his mask on! He even got his own Phantom of the Opera organ music!  Is Tim developmentally handicapped, we all wondered?  Nope, he’s just blasted!  This entire event was a little suspect: how is it that the cameras didn’t capture a single shot of him drinking and how drunk can a grown man possibly get off of champagne after only a few hours?!  After an extended sequence in which he snored so comically loud you just know they added it in post, Ashley escorted him off the show.  Hopefully, he’ll sober up in time for the Men Tell All special.

Chris Harrison alert!  You know what that means.  (Yes, gets paid $100,000 every time he clinks a champagne glass with a spoon and says, “It’s time for the Rose Ceremony.”)  Of course, this wouldn’t be The Bachelorette if our star didn’t love her some crazies, meaning she gave Jeff the Masked Freak the first rose!  Because she’s just not 100% sure that he’s batshit cray-cray—she wants to wait until she eliminates twenty other guys and introduces him to her family (and he stabs her third cousin) before she can officially declare him certifiable.  While we didn’t get a full-blown cryer after the first Rose Ceremony (or any “You don’t know me!”-screamers who pushed over a potted plant and stormed out), poor Anthony the beleaguered butcher said “I don’t know how to feel anymore.”  Keep this kid away from the meat slicers for a while, fellow deli staff!  Along with the unconscious Tim and the now-on-suicide-watch Anthony, Ashley the not-dentist also wisely sent packing Jon the serial killer and, in the “You were so freaking boring we didn’t even notice you” category, Chris M., Frank, Michael, and Rob.  The star of the “This Season On The Bachelorette” promo (you know, the one that gives away everything up until the final two) was Bentley.  He’s clearly aiming to be the Wes (read: asshole) of the season as he said directly to the camera that he felt the FIR should have be his “even though I’m not overly attracted to her.”  The promo showed Ashley wailing in despair after he said things like “I could care less about her” (making him the 345^th reality show contestant to use that phrase incorrectly) and “I wish the bachelorette this season was Emily.”  Paging Ricki-Tick!  Your new stepfather is here! 

So bring on the fleet of thirty-five helicopters this show has on retainer!  These kids are going to Thialand, Taiwan, Hong Kong, and Fiji.  Ashley will dramatically cry over the railings of balconies of swanky resorts in each locale. 

Most Ridiculous Names
Ames
Bentley
Cozy (Bentley's daughter's name.  No, I'm not making that up.)
West
Mickey
Constantine (I know this is a legitimate Greek name, but I shall heretofore refer to him as Connie rendering his name ridiculous.)

Number of times “the right reasons” was said: 4.  (Pretty light for a premiere, but we’ll keep tallying all season.  I guarantee we’ll break 50.)

Number of times “I’ll see you inside” was said: 38.  (This has got to be a record!)

(Special mention: “I’m a hugger” was said about 4,000 times.)

I will not be counting the times “amazing” and “Can I steal you for a second?” are said because I can't count that high.

Almeida You Up at the Rendezvous Point!

24, Episode: Day 7: 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm

This hour kicked off with Buchanan and Chloe Pulp Fiction-ing a semi-buried Agent Renee with adrenaline to revive her. While this worked, I still prefer my scenario in which Jack would have pistol-whipped a family of groundhogs until they agreed to burrow an underground escape route through which Renee would have crawled to safety.

Then, in a much needed coup d’état, Tony shot Emerson after he took Jack hostage, claiming to sense that something was up. Even though Jack was the one who came within inches of a bullet, it was Jack who asked Tony if he was OK. (Aww! Bromance!)

When President Taylor refused to comply with Dubaku’s demand to remove U.S. forces from Senegal, he put on his own private air show right outside the Oval Office window crashing two jets into each other. I’m sure the families of the passengers on those planes will be comforted to know that their loved ones died in the attempt to save a country with a Gross Domestic Product of $12 and whose major exports are textiles and typhoid. Book your vacation to Senegal today!

Meanwhile, while First Gentleman Henry Taylor (what exactly is the proper term for the emasculated husband of a ball-bustin’ female president? First Man? First Husband? Kevin Federline?), who had enjoyed a nice, hot coffee laced with a muscular paralytic (coming soon to Starbucks: the Neurotoxin Latte! Only $18.95.) courtesy of Agent Gedge, couldn’t do much to stop his captor from stabbing Samantha, he was able to regain just enough strength to drop that mofo off the balcony and choke him to death.

Finally, this hour ended with the most exciting news in 24 history: Jack’s coming to Ohio! Granted it’s not for sight-seeing but rather because Dubaku chose to attack a chemical plant in my home state. What can I say? This terrorist’s got good taste in targets! In case the 24 writers are running low on things for the cast to do in Ohio, I’ve come up with a few storylines:

1.) Jack must run up the glass pyramid side of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame building to stop a terrorist plot to steal a pair of Mick Jagger’s pants.

2.) Chloe thwarts the KGB when they trap Kim Bauer on the Millennium Force at Cedar Point, threatening to derail the coaster into Lake Erie.

3.) When Nina Myers comes back from the dead as an eco-terrorist and is spotted executing polar bears at the Columbus Zoo, Tony must enlist the help of Bobo the Gorilla to push Nina into the shark tank.

And in honor of Jack & Tony being reunited for this new season, we need to take a look at the greatest 24 moment that never was: Jack & Tony at a drive-thru!



--Ray

Lez Dispenser

The L Word, Episodes: “Long Night’s Journey into Day”/”Least Likely”

Oh my God, they killed Jenny! That’s what we found out even before the obnoxious opening credits rolled in the premiere of the sixth and final season of The L Word. We don’t know how or why Jenny the Loon ended up floating in Bette and Tina’s pool, but it seems we’re going to have to sift through a seasonful of flashbacks to find out. The second the lead detective on the case turned out to be a sassy, built broad in a pantsuit, I knew it would only be a matter of time until she beds half the cast in a round-robin of patented L Word faux-thrusting.

Things were going swimmingly until episode 2 when several of the most annoying secondary characters resurfaced. First, there's Max the Cranky Shim, who reappeared WITH A FULL BEARD and pregnant! Paging Oprah! Then, Jodi the Deaf Lesbian popped up to hawk her heinous abstract art. (Will this show ever run out of outlandish minorities? I’m hoping they can manage to squeeze in a dwarf lesbian and a hypoglycemic, Sikh lesbian before the show’s end.)

This season seems promising but, hopefully, The L Word will return to its roots as it prepares for its sendoff: women way too pretty to realistically be lesbians engaging in physically impossible yet fun-to-watch missionary sex and moments of girl-on-girl oil wrestling. We should probably take a look at that clip to refresh our memories...

Ah, Showtime! Slowly reversing the progress of the Women's Movement since 1976! Oh, and Carmen, the greatest L Word character in the show’s history, better come back at some point because I still haven’t quite recovered from that black lingerie scene from a few seasons ago (conveniently pictured at left). Sorry, this show brings out the perviness in us all!

--Ray

Breast Dressed

The Bachelor, Episode 3

First off, don’t ask my why on earth I’m watching this season of The Bachelor since it has that not-so-great record: in 12 season of The Bachelor and 4 seasons of The Bachelorette, only ONE couple has actually gotten married. (That’s a 6.25% success rate for $%&#’s sake!) But after watching the travesty of bachelorette DeAnna Pappas choosing that idiot man-child Jesse over Jason last year, I just couldn’t resist seeing single dad Jason humiliate himself on another reality dating show, I mean, get a second chance at love.

We were down to the final twelve and Stephanie is, of course, my favorite. How can you possibly not root for her after that adorable montage of her, Jason, and her daughter Sophia literally frolicking through Legoland? (Although I was a little worried that if they swung that poor child by her arms one more time, she was either going to vomit or require medical attention.) Luckily, Steph got her rose but we were soon to learn that the threat of vomit hadn't exactly subsided.

On a group date, or as I like to call them, Women’s Movement Digression (WMD) dates, Jason was rubbed down with baby oil by several of his harem members which, we were told, was going to somehow prevent breast cancer. Then, all the father-figure wholesomeness he had displayed with Steph and Soph devolved into fratboy perviness as he asked if he could rub plaster on his date’s breasts… again, to prevent breast cancer. During this date, Shannon the dental hygienist, who, if I can be blunt, looks like hell, kept obsessing about how she didn’t get any one-on-one time with Jason. My guess is that Jason kept looking for her to have one-on-one time, but she was so busy gabbing to the camera about how she didn’t get any one-on-one time that he just gave up. This mousy broad has issues!

But the best part of this episode was the one-on-one date with Natalie. This brazen blonde who was 90% makeup and 10% heart, when asked by Jason if there was anything important she wanted him to know about her, responded, “I love bears.” Needless to say, Goldilocks did not receive a rose. (Not even the C-listy musical performer of the week, Kate Voegele could save her.) The cherry on top was the rejectee being literally stripped of the $1 million diamond necklace Jason had given her at the beginning of the date. This was even worse than when DeAnna kicked that dude out of the horse-drawn carriage and left him standing on the freaking sidewalk! Upon her departure, Nat chose to go the American Idol route of exit behavior, swearing up a storm and screaming about how she was better than everyone and more attractive. Where’s Simon when we need him?

At the cocktail party, Jason made out with three gals and shared the most awkward kiss in reality TV history with Nikki. Then, Shannon went apeshit, started doing voices, basically begged Jason to impregnate her, and vomited during what, after twelve seasons of delay, actually turned out to be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever. In the end, idiots Kari and Erica (AKA the She-Beast from the East) left but, regardless, this carnival of freaks ABC has assembled this time around is sure to bring that 6.25% success rate down to 5.88%!

--Ray

I Think I'm Turning Senegalese

24, Episode: Day 7: 12:00 PM – 1:00 PM

Hello my long-lost TV peeps! I’ve had an outpouring of questions (lie) from thousands (lie) of readers (lie) wondering where I’ve been for the past month (lie). As I’ve slowly come to the realization that my co-blog is much more of a mono-blog (damn you, Sonia!), it took a great show to rouse me from my blogging slumber. What better show than 24?!

So I sat through the TV movie/season 7 prequel 24: Redemption in November watching Jack run amok in Senegal which was moderately entertaining, but last week’s 4-hour, 2-night, 3-bathroom break premiere packed in a few shocking moments. The surprises in order of occurrence are:

1.) Holy crap, Tony Almeida’s not dead!
2.) Holy crap, Tony Almeida’s evil!
3.) Holy crap, Tony Almeida’s not really evil!
4.) Holy crap, Jack Bauer almost stabbed a guy in the ear with a Bic pen!

So while Jack & Tony’s (which sounds like a plumbing duo) undercover plan to get some CIP device which… um… does something bad unfurled, I enjoyed guest star spotting! There was Carly Pope (Samantha McPherson from Popular! Where’s Mary Cherry?!) playing Samantha Roth, the former girlfriend of the now-dead president’s son. Then there’s Janeane Garofalo as Janis Gold. The ultraliberal Janeane doing a multiepisode guest role on 24 is kind of like Anne Coulter guesting on The L Word, but I can’t wait to see her go toe-to-toe with Chloe!

The best part of last night’s episode was Jack going all Bill Nye, the Science Guy and doing chemical reactions in an air vent to smoke out the Senegal prime minister dude. (Apparently Windex + Mr. Clean Kitchen & Bathroom = noxious gas.) Oddly, PM Matobo and the Missus were trapped in there with a Costco wholesale pack of Fiji water. Who knew they had $8-a-bottle designer water in Africa? I want my donation to UNICEF back!*

The episode closed with the Kill Bill Volume 2-esque burying alive of FBI agent Walker (who registered a 10 on the sexual tension Richter scale with Jack) meaning that Jack will probably somehow manage to fashion a breathing tube out of a nearby bamboo shoot so she can live. This season seems pretty good so far, but if Jack runs out of damsels in distress to rescue, Kim could always come back and get attacked by cougars in the forest again. (We miss you, Kim Bauer!)

--Ray

*I have never donated to UNICEF or any other charity for that matter.

Prefrontal Globe*

*This pun title makes absolutely no sense. I was in a hurry!

The Golden Globe nominations were announced today! After last year’s writer’s strike which forced the ceremony to be cancelled (we had to listen to that mental deficient Billy Bush announce the winners on Access Hollywood), I’ve been going through awards withdrawal and am counting down the days until the season starts again. Here are my thoughts and predictions for the TV categories:

Best Drama
Dexter
House
In Treatment
Mad Men
True Blood

I’ve only seen two of these (True Blood and In Treatment have yet to hit DVD and I am, sadly, HBO-less) but Mad Men most definitely should and will win since they won last year and they won the Best Drama Emmy in September. They’re the new Sopranos, dominating every award show!

Best Comedy
30 Rock
Californication
Entourage
The Office
Weeds

So difficult to choose! 30 Rock will most likely nab this and it would be well-deserved, but Weeds had such an amazing fourth season this past summer—one that completely changed the series around but actually made it better.

Best Actor in a Drama
Gabriel Byrne, In Treatment
Michael C. Hall, Dexter
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Hugh Laurie, House
Jonathan Rhys Meyers, The Tudors

Don Draper come on down! He deserves this award for the second year in a row because no one else is able to make us love and fear his character like he does (and when you’re going up against a serial killer and Henry VIII, that’s really saying something!)

Best Actress in a Drama
Sally Field, Brothers and Sisters
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU
January Jones, Mad Men
Anna Paquin, True Blood
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer

OK, is Mariska Hargitay really that good or is it just that people like saying her name? As anyone who follows this blog knows (all none of you!), January Jones has been a topic of much discussion between Sonia and I, so I take this nomination (and her expected win) to be a personal victory.

Best Actor in a Comdy
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Steve Carell, The Office
Kevin Connolly, Entourage
David Duchovny, Californication
Tony Shalhoub, Monk

When David Duchovny won this award last year, it was one of the biggest WTF moments since the infamous Herbie Hancock Grammy debacle this past February, but him winning might be worth it this year to see if he talks about his stint in rehab for sex addiction. Kudos to the HFPA for finally recognizing someone besides Jeremy Piven on Entourage (he still got a supporting nod, though) but it comes too late as that show has really lost its luster. It’s a battle between Alec and Steve, and Alec should prove victorious. And who knew Monk was still on?!

Best Actress in a Comedy
Christina Applegate, Samantha Who?
America Ferrera, Ugly Betty
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Debra Messing, The Starter Wife
Mary Louise-Parker, Weeds

Again, the 30 Rock vs. Weeds war wages on. They’re the two best comedies on TV right now with the two best leading ladies on TV right now. Even I can’t decide! I’m hoping for Mary-Louise just because Tina won over her last year, but Tina will be doubly hard to beat now that 2008 was The Year of the Fey.

(I ignored the mini-series and made-for-TV-movie categories because no one watches those and I use those for snack/bathroom breaks during the awards show broadcast.)

--Ray

"Barbara Walters is easily fascinated." --Seth Meyers

This week, Barbara Walters counted down her list of the ten most fascinating people of 2008 in a special confusingly titled Barbara Walters Counts Down the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2008.

10. Will Smith. “If I wanted to be the president, yes, I could.” Don’t you have to at least go to college to be the president? Damn you, George W., for helping to create the assumption that anyone can be president!

9. Michael Phelps. Who knew the Phelpster had ADHD? Answer: Anyone who witnessed his cue-card reading skills when he hosted SNL.

8. Miley Cyrus. Baba called Miley’s Vanity Fair spread “R-rated.” This coming from the woman who just wrote an autobiography about how many dudes she banged back in the ‘40s.

7. Tina Fey. Yeah, we don’t say negative things about her.

6. Rush Limbaugh. “What the rehab process taught me was that I’m not afraid of who I am.” Well, the orderlies who had to hold you down during the OxyContin withdrawal beg to differ.

5. The Pregnant Man. “I used my female reproductive organs to become a father.” Seriously, Barbara? Did the original choice for the #5 spot back out at the last minute? And how pissed do you think Rush is that he got beat by him/her?

4. Frank Langella. Barbara told us that to prepare to play the role of Nixon, Frank “started by reviewing tapes of Richard Nixon—including MY OWN 1968 interview.” Leave it to her to take up poor Frank’s segment by capitalizing on the opportunity to show a clip of herself 30 years younger.

3. Sarah Palin. Because she was the only person on the list who didn’t grant Baba an interview (could it have been the daily tough-lashing she gave Sarah on The View?), all we got was a g-less (goin’, doin’, seein’, maverickin’) montage of Palin’s highs and lows (but especially lows) during the brief two months she was famous.

2. Tom Cruise. Wasn’t 2008 the year we kept trying to forget Tom Cruise’s 2005-2007 Tour o’ Lunacy rather than be fascinated by him? You do have to give Tom credit though, he’s the only person who can become more fascinating by simply appearing less in public and keeping his mouth shut.

1. Barack Obama. Thank God he showed up for his interview or the Pregnant Man might’ve been given this spot.

--Ray

"Circus" Act

Last night, MTV’s “Night O’ Britney” kicked off with an awkward, hour-long, faux-live pre-show before the premiere of her documentary Britney: For the Record. Host Damien Fahey vamped his way through slow interstitials in which he and Brit, an alarming and freshly-minted milquetoast, reviewed her best moments on MTV from the past decade—at one point we actually watched present-day Britney looking back at a clip of 2001 Britney looking back at a clip of 14-year-old Britney. What is this, a David Lynch film?! Then, Damien would ask her a pointed question like, “What is it like looking back through all these moments?” But then, he’d always insert a yes-or-no question immediately, like, “Does it feel good to see what you’ve accomplished?” This allowed her to evade having to formulate any real response and to provide purely monosyllabic answers. Seriously, through the entire hour, Britney must’ve uttered no more than 25 words, 20 of which were “Yeah.”

As for the actual documentary, we have to keep in mind that For the Record was produced by her manager meaning it could be a real documentary or it could be a 90-minute commercial devised by her handlers to assure us that she’s OK and that we should all pick up her new album Circus. MTV doesn’t exactly have a history of journalistic integrity so we’ll never really know if Britney’s words are her own or if this is just a glossy, contrived farce through which a still-nutso Britney was coached. But either way, I’m not going to even try to pretend like I wasn’t completely under the Britney spell by the brilliantly-edited ending in which clips of her reaffirming her new-found strength were cut against a shot of her in front of a giant wall of raining sparks while Phillip Glass-esque orchestral music swelled to an epic climax. But even without all the bells and whistles, there is still something to be said about how incredibly compelling this woman is to watch—so much more so than any of the morons that have poisoned our television airwaves over this past decade with their stupid reality shows. Why is it that while I can’t take 3 seconds of Living Lohan or Keeping Up with the Kardashians, I will sit and watch Britney play a game on her cell phone with an unending supply of rapture and intrigue? I got the feeling that this is the first time she has ever been completely honest with us, but I still can’t decide whether this change is borne out of her decision or because her people knew the jig is finally up. (Once CNN has aired a live helicopter feed of a parade of ambulances carrying you to the dreaded Cedars-Sinai hospital, any façade of normalcy has been eradicated.)

During the “post-show” (which actually turned out to be yet another sneak peak at The City which is a spin-off of The Hills which is a spin-off of Laguna Beach which was a rip-off of The O.C.), after we’d just watched 90 straight minutes of Britney pour her heart out, Damien asked her how she felt now that she had supposedly set the record straight. Her response? “Good.” Is this our new Britney? One so attacked and shamed by the media that all the endearing, down-home things she used to say while chomping a piece of her trademark bubble gum are gone forever? In one of the songs on her new CD that comes out tomorrow (sorry, I just can’t bring myself to say drops), she says, “My face like a mannequin.” We’ve seen young, naïve Britney and crazy, bald Britney. Welcome to Britney 3.0.

--Ray

"Daisies" Wilted; "Money" Spent

Word has just leaked that two of our favorite sophomore ABC series—Pushing Daisies and Dirty Sexy Money—have been cancelled! (Also cancelled was Eli Stone, but no one gives a crap about that.) Aside from my excitement over getting to make lame cancellation puns for the title of this blog entry, I am not happy! See, this is what happens when you campaign so hard to keep other great-but-ratings-challenged shows on the air (30 Rock, we’re talking about you with Tina Fey’s recent publicity bonanza) that you forget about the other smaller shows that don’t have the luck of having their star resemble a Podunk, Alaskan vice-presidential candidate. While both shows will be permitted to complete a 13-episode season, this may leave huge unanswered questions hanging in the balance. Will Ned (Lee Pace) and Chuck (Anna Friel) ever find a way to be happy despite their inability to touch? And will Nick (Peter Krause) ever find out the circumstances of his father’s death and whether or not the Darlings were involved?

What makes this decision even harder to swallow is that these two shows bookend Private Practice on ABC’s Wednesday night schedule. Here are the basics of a Private Practice episode:

1. Couple comes to the Oceanside Wellness Group with a beyond-ridiculous fertility request (e.g. “Can you fertilize my eggs with iguana sperm?”; “Can you to make one of my twins retarded in utero so the other twin can use him for organ harvesting later in life?").
2. Dr. Addison Montgomery refuses on the grounds of medical ethics.
3. Dr. Addison Montgomery decides at the last minute she will perform the procedure because, after all, who is she to tell people what to do?

(Why hasn’t the Medical Board of California revoked this broad’s license yet?!)

Enjoy America! This is the kind of crap you like, apparently!

--Ray

P.S.- Sorry I violently forced you to watch these two shows on DVD, Sonia! I really thought they were going to catch on!